Please visit me at kinkylibrarian.net

I think I'm done cross posting between this and my new domain, so to read about the hot weekend I just had with MasterDoc head on over to kinkylibrarian.net. Thank you!

KinkyLibrarian.net

Ok, I've finally updated my blogroll at my new site to correspond with my google feed reader. Previously there were blogs I wasn't reading and blogs there I hadn't linked, so now we're in sync. Now I can see if the blogs I haven't been reading are ones I want to keep on the blogroll. Hopefully anyone who links to me will update to the new address. I've opted not to update the list here.

Still up in the air about going to TESFest, sometimes family life intervenes and makes plans uncertain. The last thing MasterDoc needs is for me to be a pain in the ass, so I'm going to remain patient and look forward to whatever time I spend with him this weekend - TESFest or not. I barely got to see him last weekend so really whatever we do, I'll be happy. I'm in a good mood today, because I have a three day weekend to enjoy. (But yes, honestly I'm hoping we go to TESFest, it would give me so much to write about here and I could meet all sorts of interesting kinky people. Oh well, if we don't go this year I can hope for next.) I've always been fairly self-contained in my kink life but recently I've been more interested in meeting other people in the lifestyle. While I have a lot of friends who are kink-friendly already, it would be nice to have some friends who fully appreciate the deviant delights I get up to.

Putting the Kinky in "Kinky Librarian"

Things have been quiet in my life lately. I saw MasterDoc briefly on Saturday morning but we just hung out. My butt is unfortunately completely bruise-free at the moment.

I had a hot thought today - if I ever engage in play piercing I *have to* have a camera handy as I want pictures of the work.

MasterDoc and I may be going to TESFest, this is not definite yet. I'm keen to go to the beginning needle play class, and the class on cutting. When I was younger I used cutting as an outlet for bad feelings, and I think it would be interesting to play with it in the controlled environment of my relationship with MasterDoc. Instead of doing it to myself under emotional duress, it would be administered to me in the context of a scene. I imagine that it might have the same cathartic effect. It's funny, the classes that catch my eye at TESFest are all under the category of "edge play." I haven't ever thought of myself as an edge player, but I think I've moved further in that direction as my submissive journey goes on.

I hope we go to TESFest as there's a local group of people from FetLife meeting up, and it would be cool to put faces and names to the online personas.

In the meantime, I've been discovering more and more kink blogs while on FetLife. I've added a few to my feed reader and hope to add them to my links list when I get around to it. I may only update my new site, however, as I keep hoping to move over there and leave blogspot behind. Ok, this isn't the grand unveiling I wanted it to be (the site still doesn't have the banner I created for the top. I'm having problems with wordpress and I'm not tech savvy enough to solve them) but the new blog site will be at www.kinkylibrarian.net. Yup, I've finally got my own kinky librarian domain like I always wanted. I've been mirroring the entries I have here on that site, and I uploaded my old entries a little while back. You can read the blog at either site. Eventually, however, I will move over to that one exclusively. Anyone who links to me, please update your links. Thanks.

Sugasm #138

Yup I'm participating in sugasm again. Included a link to my entry "Hot Night."

This Week’s Picks

You’re going to come for me.

“I imagined her, bound. Wrists behind her back, whimpering.”

Champagne Orgasms


“I cry out, begging for him to stop, begging him not to”

Tie one on

“He slipped his hands under my blouse and teased my nipples and breasts with his strong hands.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

Sugar Bank

Editor’s Choice

The Look

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Cream

Cunt Sucking. Confession #75

Dirty Girl


The education of Ava

Foot fantasy

Fucking the blonde on the beach-2

Good slave

Homework

lolidoll’s Ass Inspired Poetry - HNT

The picture that launched a thousand…….sperm

Questions and Answers


Spin The Bottle - Part Two

The Tutor

The Wrath Of Eve

Sex & Politics

Existential Crisis, or There is a Cum Shot At the End of This Post

BDSM & Fetish

Alas, still not enough


BDSM & Race

Chain

A good deed

Hard OTK bare ass spankings of naughty girls!

Hot Night

I Slapped Her Face With My Cock And Coated Her Tits With Hot Wax

I Was Naked When I Wrote This

A jagged soft puzzle


The Lilith Obsession, Part the Third

Mojada, castigada y humillada…

Panties for Men

Punishment in the Woods

Reclaimed.

A scene in two parts.

Trying To Understand Pain & Sexual Arousal, As Well As Unwanted Emotions From Certain Types Of Play

Watershed: She Takes Command


We finally get to really play again

Would the Real Mistress Please Stand Up?

Yellow, Black, and Red

You can be a PIG!

Sex Work

Back From The Desert. Kumi Kumi Coco Puff

Sex News, Reviews & Interviews

Bondage Model Carly Parker In One Of The Hottest Hogtied Sessions I’ve Seen


Catalina loves Lochai (An Interview With The Award Winning Photographer and Rigger)

The Countess Reviews “Swingtown”

Pure White Pleasure Tower

Review - Into The Attic

Sex News Roundup

Sgt. Major And Claire Adams In A Hot Erotic Choking Scene

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

180 Degrees


Another swinging experience … continued

Autobiography of a Masturbator: Porn O’Graphicus, Part I

A Call From An Old Friend

Chivalry and Me

Co-operation makes it happen

It’s not easy being Sexhobbyist

Package Deal

Pain Isn’t *Always* A Good Thing

Pansexuality: Love is Everything

Sex Advice

Feelin’ Hot Hot Hot: Sex And The Summer

He Keeps Losing his Erection…

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio

A Bruised HNT

Brunette sucks off 3 Guys in office back room

Candice Swanepoel Looking Hot in Lingerie

Footsie


Free Sexy Videos

Free Videos: Spread legs humiliating caning for delighful babe in shame and pain.

HNT- Nightie Night

Hot Twins spanking in FREE sex chat video

Impertinent Question: What’s Up with the Male G-Spot?

Last Night…..

Marlena - Dream Girl

Mz Berlin Is Fierce In This Demask Corset And Fishnet Stockings

MasterDoc and Nadia Spend the Evening In

I got to spend Monday evening with MasterDoc. It was an evening in, but as you can imagine our idea of an evening in is quite different than others'.

MasterDoc is currently without cable and internet (soon to be rectified). Without television to watch or the internet to surf we had to come up with our own fun. After dinner and a shower and letting MasterDoc nap (during which I cleaned of my own free will... what is happening to me? lol I even took the garbage out.) I got a text message, "Come suck my cock, woman." It was MasterDoc texting from the other room.

My collar was in the trunk of MasterDoc's car and rather than go get it, we put on an imaginary collar. I was in the right mindset, so it worked pretty well to imagine one. He had me set up porn on the dvd player and his laptop. He was determined that I find something in his collection of porn that I hadn't seen before, unfortunately I've seen a lot of it. So I kept having to go back and select another dvd. I was getting tired of doing this so when he asked if I had seen a particular dvd before I said, "No," or "I don't think so." Immediately after, he said, "Really, or are you just saying that so you don't have to go get another dvd?" And of course I admitted that was the case. He wasn't happy that I had lied to him. I hadn't even thought about it being a lie, I just thought of it as "I'm tired, let me just say what will get this dvd fetching to stop. I don't care if it's a dvd I haven't seen before." It was a little white lie but he was pretty unhappy that I would lie to him at all while wearing the collar. I apologized and decided to keep myself in check next time. I hadn't meant anything bad by it, but he's right, I shouldn't be lying to him.

He had me suck his cock a bit and then he got ready to fuck me. Unfortunately the lube was in his car as well, so it came down to me having to provide enough lubrication myself. No pressure (she said sarcastically). He had me play with myself and he'd ask if I'm wet yet, and I was so anxious about whether I'd be able to get wet or not that I wasn't focused on sexy thoughts and getting myself wet. It's really hard to get wet on command. I just get stressed out about doing it and it doesn't happen and then of course I get more stressed because I'm supposed to be wet and I'm not. The whole thing causes a lot of anxiety in me. Thankfully, as I tried rubbing my clit to generate wetness, MasterDoc started to flick my nipples and slap my face and thighs - in other words he got rough with me, and then I managed to get wet.

He had me get on my hands and knees and he fucked me from behind, the porn still playing on the tv and computer. Soon I was begging to come. He held off a little bit and reminded me that I needed to be quiet when I came (easier said than done). He told me to come and I did, and of course I forgot myself and got noisy. I quieted down when he stopped thrusting and reminded me that he had said to be quiet. Oops. He fucked me for a while, and pretty hard too.

We took a break and I sucked his cock for a bit, then he decided to fuck me again. This time I was on my back. Luckily, I was still wet from before. I tried to keep my eyes open a bit, I always close my eyes while having sex. It can be wonderful to make eye contact during sex but as soon as I get into it my eyes just close. I focus on what I'm feeling. I don't know if I'm capable of orgasming with my eyes open. I think I can open them mid-orgasm for a few seconds but that's about it.

It was getting late, but of course I hadn't yet gotten MasterDoc off. He had me play with his ass while he stroked himself, and I harbored a secret wish for him to come in my mouth (something he's never done before). He came to orgasm with my help and I honestly did enjoy watching (and participating). My secret wish came partially true when he had me lick off the come that was on the head of his cock. Then he told me to put my tongue out and he rubbed his cummy hand across my tongue.

I don't think I've adequately described how hot this evening was. Sometimes adequate words escape me.

Hot Night

I had a lovely night out with MasterDoc last night. We went to one of our regular swing clubs. Very few people were there when we got there, in fact we ended up chatting with the only couple there. Turns out they remember us from the party two weeks ago at the other club, the BDSM/swing party. They had seen him flog me while on the St. Andrews cross and later saw us fucking in the exhibition room. The point came up that it's possible we scare potential couples off with the BDSM part of our playing. I had never thought of that. You know, the thought that not everyone thinks a flogging is hot never entered my mind. How funny is that. I mean, it's a naked woman, how bad can it be? But the thought processes of a non-kinky person are such that they think, "That poor woman." They don't realize that despite the yelps of pain I'm enjoying myself. They don't know that MasterDoc can relate to women in other ways other than beating them. (He's a sweetie. Really he is. He's a delicious mix of sweet and sadistic.) I'm so used to my lifestyle that it doesn't occur to me that others aren't into it. Maybe I spend too much time on Fetlife and CollarMe. lol To me BDSM and sex go hand in hand. Sex is so much more enhanced with BDSM involved.

We wandered around a bit and discovered that one of the rooms had a bed replaced with a spanking bench. And it's a darn nice one. MasterDoc was so excited he had to go tell the owner he's pleased. There's also a small stocks in there, where you kneel on the pad and put your head and wrists in the stocks. Looks dreadfully uncomfortable. I kept going back and forth between a desire to try it and a thought of, "What are you crazy?" (But I think we know I'm a little crazy.) He spanked me on the bench a little bit, tried to see if he could fuck me from that angle, but I was too high up. As usual I'm too tall. But it was still hot as he pressed his clothed pelvis up against me, somewhat dry humping me. Rowr. I was really turned on last night.

I sucked his cock for a while and really got into it. I like when I get into it because I seem to do a better job, plus being into it is just more fun. I managed to keep it wet with my saliva and sucked gently but consistently. From the sounds that came out of MasterDoc's mouth I think I was doing a fairly good job. (He's been training me in what he likes for nearly a year now. Can you believe it, nearly a year.) After that, we wandered around a bit, checking out the couples who had arrived. No one seemed interested in playing with us. *pout* But of course MasterDoc decided that we would simply have to make our own fun.

We went back to the room with the spanking bench and again lay on the bed. I sucked his cock some more and then he took the crop to my ass a bit. As he was doing this, the owner came in to turn up the air conditioning and he pointed out that there's a cane sitting on the table next to the bed. Oh my. I had never been caned before. At first MasterDoc says, "What are you crazy, she can't take that," but soon he's curious, and I'm curious. And I'm premenstrual so as usual my pain tolerance is up. He swats me very gently at first and it feels lovely. Then he gets a little harder and it starts to hurt, but I still like it. The fact is though, he couldn't get terribly hard swats from the angle he was in. I would be in serious trouble if he could get a good swing going.

He had me play with myself as I lay on my stomach and he swatted my ass. I was sopping wet from the spanking earlier, and the blow job and the spanking that was going on at that point. He decided to fuck me. As the English would say I was gagging for it. (That's the best expression I know to explain how I felt. lol If you're not familiar with it I'm not sure I can translate it into American with the same affect.) He had me put my ass up on a pillow and he made me beg to be fucked, loudly enough so others could hear. He fucked me and very quickly I felt like I was going to be able to come. I was so revved up and so horny and so into everything that was going on. I begged to be able to come but he held off a bit. I rode the edge like I've been training myself to do. So when he finally told me to come I came right away. I started squrting a fucking river, all over the pillow and sheet, he pulled out and the fluids just poured out of my cunt. He fingered me a bit and I screamed in pleasure the whole time. Why people didn't come running to see the show, I'll never know. Very hot. Their loss.

Shortly after, we ended up fucking again. This time, without my getting to the point where I ask permission to come he tells me at one point, "Come," and instantly I do. Again I squirt a bit. This time, he wasn't as prepared as he was the first time. You see, he has to make sure he's thrust well in me when he allows me to come, otherwise my internal muscles push him out. This time no sooner had he said, "Come," than he thought, "Oh no, the auto-eject!" Again he fingered me and god did I come and come. I mean, we usually have hot sex but last night was just exceptionally hot. I love how I react to his voice now and come on command. What an accomplishment! Someday I hope to be like S. and come just from the command, no stimulation. (So often she says I'm her slutty role model, but in this one thing she's mine.)

We cuddled a bit (and talked a little about my negative blog entry from two days ago, but let's not bring down the tone of this one. Let me just say that he's really there for me and I really feel that he will always do his best to take care of me.). We were getting dressed when a couple came in and were pondering what the spanking bench was. We gleefully offered a demonstration and they watched, wide-eyed. This was fairly new to them although the guy had briefly dated a Dominatrix at some point. We ended up staying longer to talk to the couple, who were rather drunk I must say, but we had a nice time talking. The guy invited us back to their place but it was so so late at that point. Instead MasterDoc gave him his number and we suggested getting together Monday night since I might be seeing MasterDoc that night. (Now let's just hope my period holds out til after!)

What a fucking hot night. *grin*

Happy Girl

I'm a happy girl. I got to spend a couple of unexpected hours with MasterDoc yesterday and I'm going to see him tonight. I feel lucky! We're planning on going out tonight so hopefully there will be tales to tell. Yesterday we mainly cuddled and reconnected - might not make for exciting blogging but it was so needed. I sucked his cock a few times as well, from a soft state until it was nice and hard. It's interesting how I can bury my face in his crotch when he's soft but I gag on him when he's hard. I have a terrible gag reflex. I'm constantly triggering it during fellatio. I end up with watery eyes and the sniffles from gagging myself. But it's all in good fun and I'm working on improving it. I get a sense of satisfaction when I can manage to deep throat. And I think there's something hot about gagging on his cock. Just wish I didn't get the sniffles, most unsexy.

The Negative Side of Sex

Continuing on with the theme of facing the negative side of sex head on, I'm inspired today to write about a discussion I've had via email on Collar Me with another sub. We got on the topic of the assault I suffered about three years ago. (She's unfortunately been through something similar.)

For those of you who haven't read my old blog, or read far back on this blog, I was sexually assaulted at a play party by the party host. For the first time ever he decided to play with me, and he decided to use a speculum as a sex toy. I wasn't comfortable with that but in the spirit of trying new things I figured if I didn't like it I could just ask him to stop. After all, that had always seemed like the un-transgressed rule of the parties - no means no. So he put it in and it hurt. And I told him, "That hurts, take it out." He not only ignored my request, but when someone else reiterated what I said he shook his head no and shifted the speculum inside me, which only served to jab me further. I started to panic, looked at a friend I had there that night for help, unfortunately said friend was otherwise engaged and I panicked further. I decided that this was going to stop right then and there and shouted out my request for everyone to hear. That stopped the guy in his tracks. After he removed the speculum, I slapped his arm (not as hard as I should have) and ran off to the bathroom where I burst into tears. It was a very traumatic incident for me, which wasn't made any better by people that night wanting me to "make up" with him and hug him (the LAST thing I wanted to do) and then later making excuses why it happened. "He was drunk." Yeah, like that's a good excuse for ignoring someone's wishes to stop and traumatizing them. I tried talking to him afterward but he took exception to my calling it assault and insisted it was just an "accident." Soon, he was doing his best to convince everyone else that I was crazy. Anyway, I stopped going to those parties (Since I called him on his bullshit he told me I was uninvited. I had no intention of going back to his place ever again anyway.) I severed ties with everyone I knew from the parties. And I then spent the better part of two years trying to work through what had happened. I really feel like I should have saved my therapy bills and sent them to him to pay. He owes me that much, the bastard.

I shyed away from sex, and basically had a monogamous life with Davey, despite our being polyamorous in name. Davey, bless his soul, was really patient when I'd be triggered again during sex and have trouble continuing. I dealt with all manner of post traumatic stress. It still crops up from time to time, but I've managed to work through much of it and return to my slutty ways. But I have to say I feel really glad that I go to parties with MasterDoc as I trust him to always watch out for me and to always be in control of the situation. I can relax and enjoy myself because I have him there with me. He keeps a keen eye on everything that's going on.

Anyway, that's the back story. In my email exchange with this other sub, we got on the topic of experiencing some of the trauma again, but on your own terms this time. For her, it took the form of watching a horrific rape scene from a movie. (I couldn't bring myself to watch it.) But I've thought a few times recently, that perhaps having some sort of scene with MasterDoc using a speculum might be therapeutic in a way. I trust him. He knows me well and would watch out for my well being. And afterwards, I could be cuddled and held by someone who cares very much about me. It would be a very different experience than the assault. It would be a way of re-experiencing it, but on my own terms. Having control of the situation might help take some of the power away from the traumatic experience I had.

I've read that rape victims often involve themselves in (play) rape scenes as a way of dealing with what happened to them. Having something happen on your terms can empower you and help you move past what's happened. Now, I've been raped as well but that was 10 years ago and doesn't have the sting the assault has, probably because it happened in England and the odds of me running into the perpetrator ever again are slim to none. Also, I didn't have a confrontation with the guy afterwards where he denied what happened. Whereas I run into the online presence of my assaulter all the time (he blogs on a few sex blogs and he's on FetLife. I go to read new and interesting sex blogs and of course he's linked on about half of them.) I don't know that re-experiencing the event on my own terms will completely close the door on my anxieties and bitterness, but it might help take some of the sting away. I've spent the past three years trying to lessen the sting. I'm bitter that it seems that it will never completely go away. My entire life changed in one night. I want a heartfelt apology and admission of what was done to me, but that will never happen. So I continue to try to find ways to dampen down the pain.